2012 the End of Days… no wait nevermind
Published December 5, 2009 | 
Another review cause well I been busy watching them. Please note ALL misspellings were done on purpose, so for you grammar nazis please don’t point them out. So I will say I went into this movie with low expectations to begin with cause quite frankly I think the whole 2012 thing is a load of phooey. Secondly it’s a disaster movies and most are all the same thing so you see one you seen ‘em all. Although I must say “Knowing” was really good for being a disaster type movie, I liked it and would probably buy it sometime. Anyways! To the review. The films started off incredibly slow. I think it took a good forty-five minutes of blah blah blah I don’t care what’s going on right now nonsense, oh wait was there mention of government conspiracy just now?
Then BAM a mini mart splits in half while these two people in said mini mart are like “WOAH MAN THIS IN INTENSE!” Then oh oh… wait it’s back to someone talking. WHAT? Oh come on, you have the first sign of action and it gets cut short…what a killjoy! I was hoping for action, screaming people, fire and brimstone, but now what do you get after this? The fakey Governator pops up he goes about saying “Ok ye Californies, do not panic. Da worst is ova, you have nothin to fear. Stay calm, I repeat do not panic.” THEN BAM the earth splits open again and everyone’s like “AHHHHH!!! We all gonna DIE!!! AHHHHH!!!!” So then Cally-for-ni-aye starts to slip off into the ocean and the whole nation rejoiced…er I mean panicked.
This is when the governments of the world’s conspiracies come to light! Wow that was an awkward sentence, but I do not care. So they all reveal that they have big ships, supposedly “space ships” (which really turn out to be really big boats and I will comment on that more later.) that will take all the richies and pollytical peoples away from harm therefore ensuring the survival of the the hoomun race.
So then the movie follows a group of people who I couldn’t care less about because they have no back story or personality whatsoever. In fact I was hoping most of the time they would all die. They barely survive a bunch of never ever humanly possible feats of escaping impending DOOM to finally make to Antartica. Which by the way has now, because of earthquakes and the earth belching out lava, shifted to where Iowa or whatever flat boring state it was that they mentioned used to be located.
They get picked up by some random Asians that just happen to by flying over and are taken to one of the giant “space ships”. This is when they discovery the giant government conspiracy to pack all the richies and pollytical people onto these ships. Then one of the pollytical people has a change of heart or maybe it was a famoose scientist… I dunno. Either way this richy decided to let all these screaming people on board the ship just in the nick of time to avoid the HUGENORMOUS Tsunami that is about to slam into them. SO these ginormous ships survive the HUGENORMOUS Tsunami and they all sail around the planet till they make it to the giant land mass that was once all the contents and is now just one big one… right ok.
So I got one HUGE problem about this movie, other than it was freaking preachy (yeah like we need to put aside our differences blah blah blah), 2012 was supposed to be like apocalypse end of the world type thing. This movie did not deliver that at all. It was like oh oh we’re gonna survive this. It’s just gonna be a huge disaster and we’ll pack everyone onto big ships, ARCS man that’s all they were were giant arcs. It’s basically a horribly butchered Noah’s Arc only with greedy selfish people. Instead of rain making a giant flood it’s the continents shifting. BAH I wanted something way more, the story was BORING, the characters were flatter than a piece of paper, and the whole movie was just epic fail. Ok well it did have ONE redeeming scene and that was when California was slipping off into the ocean. Not only do I like the idea, but there was some really cool CGI in this part. But yeah just give this one a skip, go rent “Knowing” it’s way better, has good actors in it, and great cgi and unlike this one keeps you guessing with a unique storyline. I could probably add more to this review but I don’t feel like making it any longer. So yeah that’s my take on it… avoid it! :P
New Moon … it sucks big time…
Published December 2, 2009 | Well some stuff came up and our holidays were put on hold sadly. I was really looking forward to it, but oh well. Stuff happens. SO now I have THREE movie reviews. YES! *gasp* I’m only going to do one at a time… So lets get started!
New Moon one of the most overrated, over-hyped, boring, cliche movies of the year! I was so bored during this movie I didn’t follow half of it. I watched it just to see why everyone was raving about it and to be able to properly make fun of it and not have someone say “WELL did you REALLY watch it???” So it starts off with Bella and Edward being all lovey lovey, they have some kind of b-day party… I think that’s what it was. All his vamp friends are there and Bella gets a papercut, omg! And a vamp tries to jump her and suck her bloooood. Yippee so Eddy finds that he can no longer be with Bella, cause of a stupid papercut, and that he cannot protect her anymore or he might end up sucking her blood too! Hurr hurr really great so far. So he dumps her, and she goes all emo, crys, screams etc, and as my friend put it, she doesn’t just scream, she wails like a woman in labor. So Bella has angsty angst cause her beloved Eddy ditched her and she starts doing dangerous things cause that’s the only time his ghostly apparition of him appears before her to chastise her for doing something stupid. Like… jumping off of cliffs into the ocean!
So this one guy, who happens to be a werewolf, decides to take it upon himself to protect her and make her all safe and tries to get into her pants, I mean uhm loves her. And then there’s this ridiculous part where she pisses off the werewolves and they explode, yes literally explode, into their werewolf form, but they don’t look like weres, more like giant malformed feral wolves. Not so epic battle ensues and such. I kinda stopped paying attention after this because it was getting so ridiculous. Oh yeah and the cgi, the best shot was used in the trailer. Yes it is that sad.
So after many chases of vampires and exploding werewolves we FINALLY get to the main point… I think it was the main point. Anyways Eddy heard that Bella died when she jumped off the cliff, cause she’s a frontal lobotomy patient now. So he wants to kill himself cause a life without her is not worth living…ok whatever. That coming from a guy that’s already undead. So he’s about ready to present himself to the council of really creepy vamp dudes, one looks like the guy from cradle of filth psh, and she barges in to save the day! And all of them, rather than just killing her are all amazed that none of their magical powers work on her. Ok… she’s REAL special, must be that missing part of her brain. So they decide Eddy can live…and then I … can’t remember what happened cause I zoned out again till it got to the end. TWO HOURS it gets to the point where Ed is all MARRY ME BELLA SO WE CAN MAKE UNDEAD BABIES AND THEN I’LL TURN YOU VAMP JUST LIKE MEEEE. 8D And she’s like OH EDDY! The end.
I could say it was an incredible waste of my time but half the time I was drawing or chatting and lost my focus on the movie cause it was that bad and that boring. So I’ll just say it was a waste of my precious bandwidth. I really don’t know what people see in these movies. I haven’t seen the first film, my friend filled me in on it, and she said the second was better so GOOD LORD I DUN WANNA WATCH THE FIRST ONE. I hated this movie, it was horrible, stupid scripting, bad cgi and boring boring boring story, and plot…wait what plot?
Oh yeah there was this one line in the movie I about died laughing at. Bella was talking to her new werewolf buddy and commenting about how warm he was, and with a comment/ pick up line said “Oh you’re so warm it’s like you’re your own sun!” teehee. -.- Ok well it’s maybe not the exact quote, but you get the gist of it. X3
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